The Most Amazing Business EVER

25 Aug

In a questionable shopping center a few miles away from IHOP, there’s this shop. I’m not exactly sure what it is; there’s no obvious storefront sign on the awning to identify it. The only thing I see, every time I pass it, are the big neon letters in the window:


I would love to know how they intend to pull that off. I mean, that’s a pretty terrific service. “What can we do for you today, ma’am?” “Yes, I’d like to have all my future tragedies prevented, please.”

Where were these guys when they sank the Titanic? We sure could have used a service like that back then. Wait, revise that… Where were these guys when they made the movie, Titanic? Now THAT was a travesty.

But then I got to thinking; maybe this is more of a theatrical thing. “Tragedy prevention.” I can imagine a group of uniformed people sitting at their computers when the emergency call comes in: “Red alert! Red alert! Local high school is attempting to stage a production of Macbeth. All units out!” Always alert, the emergency team jump into their tragedy-prevention-mobile (TP-mobile) and speed off. Actors are held at bay in their dressing rooms while a couple of TP officials go on stage, and one juggles while the other one pies him/her in the face, to make sure things don’t get too somber. Once the audience is laughing and negotiations have managed to cancel the play, the team leaves as quickly as they came, back to home base with the pleasure of knowing that another tragedy has sucessfully been prevented.

“Next time, kids, you’d better perform Twelfth Night.”


Posted by on August 25, 2007 in Uncategorized


14 responses to “The Most Amazing Business EVER

  1. groaninginatent

    August 25, 2007 at 2:19 pm

    Did you know a musical version of Titanic also exists? Sad, but true. I think I may have also just reestablished my nerdiness – I am such a theatre geek.

    I imagine Tragedy Prevention is always on call for productions of Bye, Bye Birdie, South Pacific & all things Gilbert & Sullivan.

    You are hilarious, by the way.

  2. Dorean Beattie

    August 25, 2007 at 6:30 pm

    I can think of a couple of theater groups that could have used this service… Like the one from a community college in Oregon years ago that did a Shakespeare play, only set it way in the future, complete with aluminum foil costumes and space ships… Or the high school I got conscripted to help by being in the pit orchestra for their version of “The Sound of Music” (a play never considered a tragedy before this particular production), even though they had no drama class, drama club, or drama teacher… We could have called FEMA for that one!

    You’re a scream…

  3. brianbeattie

    August 25, 2007 at 9:06 pm

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
    oops, I think I snorted

  4. Scott

    August 25, 2007 at 9:39 pm

    Titanic was a tragedy??

    Oh my, here goes my image down the drain, but Titanic was a great movie. One of the best ever. Did you see it on the big screen? If not, maybe that explains why you didn’t like it. Of course, this was back before everyone thought it was cool to hate Celine Dion. Come on Amanda’s mom, admit it, you liked it too, right?

  5. Amanda Beattie

    August 25, 2007 at 10:29 pm

    I did see it on the big screen. I have no personal beef against Celine Dion. I didn’t like the dialogue, characters, gratuitous nudity, or the fifteen bazillion times they went back below the deck… on the sinking ship… to run away from the guy with the gun who was trying to kill them… on the sinking ship. When Rose jumped back onto the boat, I almost stood up and yelled, “NOOOOOO…”

    Your image is unaffected as far as I’m concerned, but I have to admit there was not much in the movie that I liked. 🙂 Pretty sweet special effects. Good costumes. Nice music. …And that’s about it…

  6. brianbeattie

    August 27, 2007 at 2:40 pm

    I didn’t see the movie.

    I heard it was four hours or so to tell the tale of a fateful trip. I’m going to guess that in the end, the boat sank, right? Where’s the mystery in that?

    I can hear it now, four long hours of a portly man chasing the leads around the gradually tilting deck, yelling “Gilllligan!!!”

    Next, you’ll be asking me to stay up until 2:00am to watch the season finale of a reality show marathon about fashion designers, or something. Talk about tragic …

  7. brianbeattie

    August 27, 2007 at 2:48 pm

    OK. I did watch the fashion designer marathon, but it was not my fault.
    That was a tragedy that could have soooo been prevented.

  8. brianbeattie

    August 27, 2007 at 2:48 pm

    OK. It was my fault.
    More’s the tragedy…

  9. Dorean Beattie

    August 27, 2007 at 7:38 pm

    OK, Scott, since you asked… I thought it was one of the most boring, over-hyped movies I’d ever seen… (But I can accept that other people enjoyed it… I just don’t understand why.) I guess my first problem with it was that there was no suspense, since the movie started by letting us know that Rose lives and Jack dies. Oh yeah, and, the ship sinks…

    My next problem with it was the dialogue. For instance, when the boat is sinking, there is a “heart-warming” scene by a fireplace in one of the ballrooms where the guy who designed the boat says something deep like “Rose, I’m sorry, dear Rose, that I could not have made you a better ship, Rose. Because, Rose, you deserve a better boat, Rose.” *snore*

    Then there was the gratuitous nudity, and the morals of a “good girl” going in the tank to become a “bad girl” because she falls for the “bad boy”.

    I got my hopes up several times when it looked like the ship was FINAllY going to sink and we’d be done with it all, just to have those hopes dashed against the iceberg when something silly like Rose jumping back on the sinking ship would happen. Oh, yeah! And all that business of the fiance chasing them to kill them rather than fight for a place on a lifeboat to save his own shallow self… Going *below deck* on a *sinking ship*? Oh, please… *snore*

  10. Dorean Beattie

    August 27, 2007 at 7:40 pm

    Oh, come on, Brian… You can say it was my fault… I’m not proud, but I’m honest… 😉

  11. Scott

    August 27, 2007 at 9:30 pm

    Nominated for 14 Oscars, winner of 11. No movie ever won more.

    I agree, it wasn’t a Christian movie. But when it came out my wife and I saw it twice and really enjoyed it.

    Now I pretty much don’t watch movies or TV, but that’s another story.

  12. Amanda Beattie

    August 27, 2007 at 9:37 pm

    Yep. Oscar and I are not always good buddies when it comes to movie tastes. 🙂 PG-13 content aside, I just didn’t find it particularly enjoyable. *shrugs*

  13. brianbeattie

    August 28, 2007 at 7:24 am

    Dorean: *whew* – thanks! Let’s say *I* was watching something age/gender appropriate that really truly matters: pre-season football.

    My macho is restored – now pass the quiche!

    Scott: I would respect the “Acadamy” more if they adopted a policy of a minimum standard of excellence, and didn’t make an award if the standard isn’t met. This would be pretty easy in practice, I think. Just change the definition from “best picture” to add “and one of the best pictures in the past 50 years”. In order for any picture to win, the Academy would have to vote that the film was (a) the best this year, and (b) at least better than the 50th best movie in the last 50 years.

    They could still have a suspenseful self-congratulatory show every year, with the added possibility that the envelope would read: “And the winner is: Casa Blanca, which is still better than any of the currently nominated movies …” Better luck next time, Hollywood establishment boredom factories! 😉

    They could also say: “Special mention goes to Star Wars [episode IV) which did not win the award for best picture but is now on the list of the 50 best movies in the last 50 years.”

    Oh, and get Casey Kasem to emcee!

  14. brianbeattie

    August 28, 2007 at 7:42 am

    Ooooh, I just thought. With my increasing brilliant plan posed above, can you imagine how catty the Oscars could become? Consider that the “Academy” is comprised in part of prior award winners – they would be voting that some current movie/acting performance/score was better than their own from ten years ago…

    Meeeorouww! Hiss Hiss!

    I haven’t watched the Oscars show for thirty years, but I might even pay to see that!


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