Five Women, One House, and No Gardening Tools

06 Jul

This is our front walkway. 


It's... uh, a bush... yeah.

I wish I could say that this lovely little tree was a unique sort of flowering shrub that was thriving under our care. But it’s not. It’s perhaps the largest milkweed ever seen within the borders of this city. Meet Weedzilla.

Weedzilla has been getting out of hand for a while. It had gotten to the point where I had to duck to get by it on the stairs. My roommates and I have been discussing for a while, “We’ve got to do something about that thing.” “I wonder if so-and-so has pruning shears.” “That’s gotten ridiculously huge.”

But since we are five women who, to my knowledge, are not that keen on yardwork, and since we own no gardening tools, it has been allowed to stay and flourish. As we talked about it and shook our heads, it kept growing and overtaking more and more of the sidewalk. It wasn’t until tonight as I was wrestling six bags of groceries up the stairs, ducking underneath the foliage, preparing to have people over to the house, that I finally put my foot down.

Weedzilla had to go.

I wish I could say that I managed to track down some gardening tools to do the job. But I didn’t. I knew, however, that we must have something in the house sharp enough to do some damage. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It was time to head for the kitchen.

As I went over to the knife block on the counter, I tried not to think about the fact that we have one of the cheapest generic knife sets ever. Instead, I thought of all those random infomercials I had run across in the past where the guy is cutting through three layers of, say, cinderblock, with his wonder-inspiring ginsu knife. Surely even our ordinary kitchen knives would be enough to show Weedzilla who was boss.

I went outside and began working on the branches overhanging our walkway. Within my first two attempts to saw away at one particularly irritating limb, I realized that this wasn’t going to be as easy as it looked on the commercials. So rather than sawing, I tried hacking through, machete-style. While it felt a bit more aggressive and dominating, it was even more resoundingly unsuccessful.

After a bit of trial and error, I found out how to actually get through. There is now a pile of branches in our front yard about two feet deep and four feet wide — and the weed doesn’t look that much different. At least you can get past it on the stairs now. So while the thing isn’t quite dead, it’s definitely wounded. I am prevailing against the plant.

Don’t think you’ve seen the last of me, Weedzilla. I’ll be back to finish the job. With a bigger knife.


Posted by on July 6, 2007 in Life Happens..., Random


9 responses to “Five Women, One House, and No Gardening Tools

  1. Christine

    July 6, 2007 at 4:49 am

    This is awesome! I can hardly imagine our stairs without Weedzilla extending himself our over his dominion.

    I still think that the answer might be David Scoggan. He may be in no way more equipped to handle him than we are, but he would certainly find a way. Send him outside with a toothpick and a deck of cards and I am pretty sure that Weedzilla would be history.

  2. Wendy

    July 6, 2007 at 6:32 am

    Wow, I never use the stairs, I am always cutting across the grass to the prayer room, this is highly amusing. I agree with Christine, only maybe give David a pocketknife as well.

  3. Dave Gray

    July 6, 2007 at 7:44 am

    If it is indeed milkweed, then it is destined to draw a truly wonderful flock of monarch butterflies. It may be worth preserving.

  4. brian

    July 6, 2007 at 8:03 am

    Have you tried cursing it (matt 21:19)? That’s usually where I start these sorts of chores, though I often forget to include the plant at first…

  5. Amanda Beattie

    July 6, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    Christine: Hehe. A toothpick and a deck of cards. I’m getting a great mental picture.

    Wendy: I cut across the grass when I can, but unfortunately our driveway is down those stairs…

    Dave: Perhaps. But it’s taller than our hedge– a LOT taller– which is a little sad.

    Dad: Um… nope… sure haven’t tried that…

  6. Kacie

    July 8, 2007 at 6:44 am

    that’s awesome!

    i blame weedzilla for trying to kill me the night i fell down those stairs in the dark. that should be reason enough to put a mean hurtin’ on him!

  7. toknowasiamknown

    July 9, 2007 at 2:46 am

    Shoot… go after that thing! Weedzilla has slapped me in the face a couple times. In the inexhaustible words from ‘Full House’… “How Rude”… hee hee

  8. Dorean Beattie

    July 9, 2007 at 9:22 am

    After reading Kacie’s comment, I think we need to start a club for people who have fallen down your front steps. Christine could be the President, or maybe Queen, of our club, since, as far as I know, she’s the only one that got to go to the hospital because of falling. I was just glad it was dark when I did it so no one saw. I never thought of blaming Weedzilla, but I think I will from now on!

  9. Christine

    July 9, 2007 at 5:05 pm

    I don’t know. I don’t think any of us can legitimately blame weedzilla for the handywork of that sneeky bottom step… as nice as it may be to be able to blame the bothersome weed.

    I say we go ahead with the club. I’ll let Kirk know. Thus far, he is the only known male member. I wonnder if Richard or Tom have ever fallen there. I wonder if they would ever admit it. This could be a pretty big club.


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