Warning: There is a reason this is filed under the “random” tag.
Yes. It’s true. I loved Batman and Robin when I was little. And we’re not talking the WB cartoon, either, folks. We’re talking Adam West and Burt Ward in all their live-action goodness.
I loved that show when I was little. I was convinced it was one of the greatest things ever. I was quite distraught when I discovered it had been pulled off the air of our local station… for good. Oh, the heartbreak!
Some months, or maybe even a year or two later, I was with my parents in a video rental store. I might have been about eight or nine at the time. We were browsing through the family section, looking for something fun for a movie night, when lo and behold, what did my eyes see? Why, it was a whole movie of Batman and Robin! The same characters I had known and loved on TV had their own 105 minutes of big-screen glory. I vaguely remembered seeing the movie a long time ago, but I didn’t remember anything about it, and I was convinced that it must be great. I recall my mom gently warning me that it was not that great of a movie, but at the time I didn’t think that could even be possible. Batman and Robin equaled cool. Period.
This might be a good time to mention that moms are always right.
I don’t think we watched the movie that night, but I know for a fact my brother and I watched it together that week. I was ecstatic when we put the tape in, but as the film progressed, I felt my enthusiasm for it gradually waning. This was a lot cheesier than I had remembered it. Still, I was determined to enjoy it and have a good time, and my nostalgia did a lot towards getting me there. “Ah, those good old days when I was seven years old and watched Batman every week,” said my eight or nine-year old brain.
I could handle the non-scary villains and the non-super heroes. I could handle the bizarre weapons and gadgets being used by both sides. I could handle the starburst graphics with “BAP!” “WHANG!” “BOFF!” etc., when one of the heroes came within six inches of not kicking or punching one of the bad guys. I could handle that the plot involved the villains dehydrating a whole board of world leaders into little piles of powder to be transported who-knows-where in little glass vials. I could handle the scene where, near the end of the movie, Batman stumbled carrying the aforementioned array of glass vials, nearly dropping and breaking them all.
What I could not handle was Robin’s comment. “Holy almost, Batman! That was close!”
You read it right. “Holy almost.”
All my naive delusions disintegrated with that innocently hokey remark. It was at that precise moment that I realized the awful truth… Batman and Robin were no longer cool to me.
And then it got worse. Of course, something happend to make Batman actually drop the vials, which did break (or maybe they just spilled), and consequently mixed all the dehydrated-council-members-powder into each other. DUN DUN DUNNN… Now what were they going to do?
At this point, Batman announced confidently that it was all going to be okay, because thankfully, he had this machine that could solve everything… the molecular dust separator.
Which soundly stomped up and down on my shattered delusions.
And that was the day I stopped thinking Batman was cool.
P.S. Hey, I told you it was random.